Catherine's Finger News

• Newsflash 1 22nd September 1997
• Newsflash 2 3rd October 1997
• Newsflash 3 7th October 1997
• Newsflash 4 9th October 1997
• Newsflash 5 10th October 1997
• Newsflash 6 15th October 1997
• The 'Buzzer Finger': Call for Papers
• Esshexaco to Co-sponsor 'Finger' Conference
• Scottish GroanPax Condemn "'Finger' Jamboree"
• Newsflash 7 22nd October 1997
• Newsflash 8 22nd September 1998

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Catherine's Finger News

NEWSFLASH -URGENT
Dateline London, England 22nd September 1998

Vivacious Paxmanette Catherine Arbuthnott -sultry star of Birkbeck's 1997 University Challenge Finalists- celebrated the anniversary of the breakage of the famous 'Buzzer Finger' with a galaxy of stars at a party given in her honour by M.P.Press Agency at Quagladites Nightclub yesterday and this morning. It was a year ago when the fate of the western world seemed for long dangerous moments to hang in the balance after, one sunday, she fell by tripping over an up-jutting cobble and, in trying to save her fingernail(!) she broke her finger at the knuckle. Tended by the care of a tired but brilliant plastic surgeon and a technician who happened to be doing nothing, 'The Finger' was set and miraculously was mending to such an extent that by the Tuesday -a mere two days after the break- it was starting to knit together and continued to heal at a satisfactory rate. "Life was very difficult and awkward at first " said sparkling Catherine yesterday, dressed in gold lamé and wearing the latest Patrice Boucher earrings -small models of the University Challenge desks- "the plaster was taken off about a week before we were to record the contest and I had intensive physiotherapy and buzzer practice. Everyone was wonderful " she coruscated, paying tribute to all who helped in the rehabilitation. "Now a year later," she told me, "the tendon is still a little weak and the finger slightly curled, but there is full use and very few of the rheumaticky aches I expected."

M.P.Press Agency 22/10/98 1548h

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NEWSFLASH -URGENT

Dateline London, England 22nd. October 1997

"We can confirm that 'The Finger' has healed to such an extent that we have been able to recommend that no further formal physiotherapy will be needed from our crack unit." A jubilant spokesperson for St. Thomas's Hospital said today. "We are proud to have been of service to Catherine Arbuthnott and to the country at large. We are pleased to have been able to assist in the return of 'The Finger' to it's rightful position in the pantheon of digits. We are humble in that we may be able to claim a small part of the credit for the stupendous achievement of the Birkbeck University Challenge Team."

A friend of radiant paxmanette Catherine Arbuthnott revealed today that 'The Finger' whilst strong enough for almost normal use, will still undergo informal physiotherapy sessions from Ms. Arbuthnott herself. It is believed that these will include rigorous stretching and straightening exercises -including some particularly painful ones- to strengthen and condition 'The Finger' "It should soon be ready to resume it's true role in the future of the country, and indeed the world. The threat from outside is still there and we do not know all we should, if the aliens arrive before 'The Finger' is fully operational, then I hate to think what might happen." The friend then demanded that the last sentence should not be released, but we believe the world has a right to know.

M.P.Press Agency 22/10/97 1936h

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Scottish GroanPax Condemn "'Finger' Jamboree"

NEWSFLASH -URGENT
Dateline Rockall, off the west coast of Scotland. 20th. October 1997

Scottish Groanpax today condemned Esshexaco and M.P.Press Agency at a hastily called press conference on Rockall today. A spokesperson said, "We utterly condemn the proposed 'Academic Party' at Rockall, we are surprised that M.P.Press Agency has allowed itself to become entangled in the twisted web of intrigue, double-dealing and despoilation of the natural world that calls itself Esshexaco. To propose to implicitly endorse Esshexaco's pollution and degredation of the Atlantic Frontier(AF) is bad enough, but to suggest that the coral could be removed for rock gardens is even worse. The Scottish Great Barrier Reef(SGBR) is under threat as it is from drilling around oil platforms as drill cuttings are dumped into the sea. There may also be toxic effects associated with chemical components of drill cuttings, including oil and heavy metals. The coral itself, Lophelia pertusa, grows at a maximum of two centimetres a year and since at least 840 species of animals are associated with L. pertusa reefs in the scientific literature, we believe that there should be a moratorium on drilling AND academic beano's on the SGBR." The spokesperson continued "In this the 'International Year of the Reef' the British government is failing to protect the coral reefs in its own backyard. and we accuse the British government of breaking European law by failing to protect the coral, and we threaten legal action, if there is no change in their attitude.

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for GroanPax UK stated "The thought that seals could be hunted from the exploration rigs is unthinkable. The rigs should not be there in the first place, but since they are, they should at least be used responsibly. We suggest that since this prestigious conference will bring jobs and money to Rockall and since it is being held here partly for security reasons -which we appreciate- that it should be used as an ecological standard for conferences in the future. We don't see it as just 'academics partying it up on Scottish Great Barrier Reef', we believe the participants are much more responsible people than Esshexaco, and especially Harlon Goodbody III seem to think. We were happy to hear Dougall MacKnochie taking what seemed to be a remarkably ecologically-conscious point of view -indeed at least one of our monitors was considerably moved by it- and wish to support him in what appears to be a new move aiming for the rest and recovery of the countryside, the oceans and the very atmosphere that is so necessary to most of us on this Earth and all the plants and animals thereon. We therefore suggest that the ultimate recycling target be used, to recycle ALL materials used and to achieve a truly closed system. Since the recommendations from this conference are likely to resound down the ages, if we are able to grasp the nettle of truth and plant the seeds of wisdom, we hope to be able to reap the fruits of Nature Unbound." They then continued "We are astonished that M.P.Press Agency are -currently- engaging in unholy commercial intercourse with Esshexaco, since their previous track record in relation to environmental matters, if not completely unsullied, is as a glowing beacon compared to other press agencies. We therefore call upon M.P.Press Agency to immediately disavow their co-sponsorship deal and to reclaim the pre-eminent moral position that they used to occupy.

M.P.Press Agency 20/10/97 1638h

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Esshexaco to Co-sponsor 'Finger' Conference

NEWSFLASH -URGENT
Dateline Rockall, off the west coast of Scotland. 20th. October 1997

"We are proud to announce our Co-sponsorship agreement with M.P. Press Agency," Dougall MacKnochie, 'Director of Public Relations -Scotland' for Esshexaco told a gathering of the worlds press on sunny Rockall today. "It is a great honour to be associated with such a grand and prestigious company, one might even say an institution, in this great endeavour. We all know that the problems this conference is convened to address are the most important since, well, the age of steam and perhaps we are looking for a new Brunel, a new visionary, to lead us out of the darkness of our energy-wasteful times into the bright new millenium of renewable energy and recycling. When, or if, this woman, or man, is found, then we can hope to emerge into a bright and happy time. A time when we can watch our children grow in the warmth of the sun unclouded by acid rain or smog, free of the fear of nuclear fallout, knowing that the drinking water is not full of carcinogens, happy in their unconcern about a clean environment."

(At this point, it is impossible to hear what is said for six and a half minutes, since the only understandable sounds are sobbing, a great wailing and a gnashing of teeth. The noises gradually subside until tape transcription becomes viable again -Ed.)

"Thank you, Dougall," Harlon LaFonte Goodboy III, Esshexaco's 'Assistant Vice-President in charge of Academic Relations' began, addressing a still tearful crowd, "We will undertake this conference in the spirit of adventure with which it has begun. Many people think that we are a vast, heartless multi-national oil company and I want to let you all know that this is not the case. For instance, we have just arranged it so that these academic guys can have a ball. We can even manage it that that one of the trips could be to an exploration rig, hell, we've got plenty of 'em out here, maybe with party games, like playing with the Remotely Operated Vehicles -'Rovers' we used to call 'em when I was on the rigs- getting good pieces or coral for souvenir ashtrays and rock gardens or they can play hunt the seal with the harpoon guns or just see what great colours the oil makes on the water -you have to put quite a bit on 'cause it just keeps getting broken up by the waves- but it sure does make a beeeootiful sight on a calm night in the light of the flare, " referring to the fifty foot pillar of flame that could be seen, jetting from the seven visible platforms dotted around the island paradise. "If they just want to party, I guess we could provlde the usual entertainment, eh guys?"

(The tape again becomes untranscribable, this time for three minutes and twenty seconds, since the only thing to be heard are whoops of joy such as emanate from the more excitable game show audiences visible on US television. The noises are apparently led by a claque of heavily accented men from the southern states of the U.S.A. -Ed.)

"A great guy and a good ole boy, our Harlon" started Dirk Slome 'Head of Special Projects.' " I won't add to what has been said other than to assure you all, that security will be a priority from now on in connection with this conference, so if you gentlemen, and ladies, of the press do not find us as forthcoming as we have been earlier, then you must bear with us. Thank you for your co-operation. I will not take questions." With this, Dirk Slome -almost enclosed by a phalanx of brawny security men- left the grassy knoll on which the press conference had been held and returned to the underground secure suite that Esshexaco are known to be using as their Headquarters here on balmy Rockall.

N.B. A 'source in senior management' said, "Dougall has been taken off to the Betty Ford clinic, I guess things just got on top of him, he's been a bit strange for a while." They added "Just take whatever Harlon says with a pinch of white powder, he's only in there because his father, Daddy Goodboy, used to own EssexOil before it got merged. The lights may be on in the penthouse, but there's no-one at home." The source then demanded that the last sentence should not be released, but we believe the world has a right to know.

M.P.Press Agency 20/10/97 1403

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Call for papers:

An International Conference sponsored by M.P.Press Agency

"The 'Buzzer Finger', it's properties and behaviour, with special reference to Ms. Catherine Arbuthnott."

Monday January 12th. 1998 - Friday January 23rd. 1998

An International Conference is announced to analyse and interpret, in depth, the anomalous behaviour recently reported. The aim of the conference is to shed some light on the possible links of the digit to terrestrial and extra-terrestrial events and to attempt to determine what influence it has had on the Viking lander.

The name of the Chair of conference is yet to be announced due to Security implications.

Whilst the format will be largely informal, there are some topics that have attracted proposals for Focus groups. These are, with their Group Leaders,

Group A) International Policy: the East-West confrontation revamped?
Is the question now not East-West but Terrestrial-Extraterrestrial
Group Leader (friends from Area 51)

Group B) The Finger and it's relationship with the red button.
Security or Insecurity: The Blanket Syndrome
Group Leader (a senior spokesperson for the security services)

Group C) The Conservative-labour Party vs. The Labour-conservative Party.
A challenge for the new century?
Group Leader (a source close to the Prime Minister)

Group D) Sexual Behaviour Topics -has the digit the power to clone itself?
Group Leader (Dr. Dolly T. Ovine)

Group E) Zoological Aspects (moles, mad cows etc.)
Group Leader (a deep cover source at a secret research institute near Leicester)

Group F) Quantum Properties of the Finger.
Group Leader (an unofficial pseudo-scientific-third-world source)

Group G) Cooking with the Finger.
Group Leader (Founder of the M.P. Press Agency)

Group H) Windows of Perception and other topics.
Group Leader (Mr. William Gates)

The Conference will be held at a High-Security reseach institute located on and underneath Rockall, off the west coast of Scotland.

The Academic Papers and Posters will be given over the period 12th - 23rd. January with a 2 day vacation on the 17th. and 18th. There will be two registration days 10th. and 11th. January and two de-registration days 24th. and 25th. January. These will allow adequate preparation and relaxation in what may prove to be a very fluid and free-flowing conference.

All facilities are available, with three spacious discussion atria -all with Real Ale- catering for the intensive group dynamics of conference life. (There are also hammocks available in 'quiet areas' off these atria, where those who feel they cannot completely leave the discussion or are simply overcome by the high-pressure atmosphere, may relax and prepare for another intensive round.)

All rooms are en-suite, and are available in singles, doubles, twins and, by arrangement with the organisers, multiple occupancy. Each room is equipped the most up to date computers normally to be found in academia, the new 486DX/66, complete with HP 500 printers. Connection to the Internet is available at a small premium.

There will be a maximum of 120 academic places available. Details will be available from M.P.Press Agency, please enclose a non-returnable deposit of USD500.

There will be a limited number of Scholarships available for impecunious students, to the value of second-class travel to and from the conference and habitation in a comfortable dormitory.
Scholars will be provided with three meals a day:-

Breakfast: Porridge with salt OR sugar
Lunch: Soup and a roll OR vegetable lasagne
Dinner: Cumberland Sausage and mash OR Nut Cutlets a la Grecque
Jelly and Custard OR Jam Roly-poly

They will also be provided with a daily allowance of four pints of beer, not greater than 3.6% alcohol by volume.

Naturally, since they will be living in such luxury, they will be expected to assist with the necessary tasks, such as photocopying, preparing transparencies, writing speeches, cleaning shoes, washing up and other light duties.

Those who wish to apply for a Scholarship should apply to M.P.Press Agency, enclosing a non-returnable deposit of USD100 along with complete details of their academic qualifications, life histories, hobbies, parents academic qualifications, parents life histories, photographs of them -standing, sitting, in evening dress, in beachwear and wearing a labcoat holding a test-tube-, also details of whether they are now or have ever been members of the Green Party.

They may also be contacted between before the start of conference and requested to undertake a random drug test. This random drug test is mandatory, it is random since the applicants will not know when they are to be tested. Failure to agree to the test or a positive result in the test will be grounds for refusal of a Scholarship and the authorities in the country concerned will be informed.

Those interested in attending, giving papers or posters, or simply having a good time, should contact:-

M.P. Press Agency

This Conference sponsored by:-
M.P.Press Agency -

You want the News? We have it.
You need the Facts? We've got them.
You must have the truth? It's out there, somewhere.

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NEWSFLASH -URGENT
Dateline London, England 15th. October 1997

"We can confirm that whilst it will be undergoing further physiotherapy from our leading unit, 'The Finger' WILL be able to reclaim it's position in the Birkbeck University Challenge Team" a spokesperson for St. Thomas's Hospital exulted today. "We are proud to have been chosen by an un-named Black Cab driver to undertake the reconstruction and rejuvenation of one of the free world's greatest assets" They continued, "We hope that it is not too much of a strain, pushing the button so often, but it may be good additional physiotherapy for it if not overdone."

Catherine Arbuthnott, the glamorous paxmanette of Birkbeck's victorious University Challenge team, was unavailable for comment, but was understood to be preparing for the second round of University Challenge by doing crosswords and drinking a strange apple tonic called 'Quartz Yellow' whilst strengthening 'The Finger' by yogic exercise.

'A senior spokesperson for the security services' told us 'She will be flown out on thursday evening by Air Force Jet to an airfield near Manchester and continue from there to a secure destination by armoured personnel carrier.'They continued, 'Everything possible will be done to ensure the safety and security of the damaged digit.' They added 'We are being rather careful with this now, with the possibility of a connection to Area 51 AND the interference with the Viking lander.' The spokesperson then demanded that the last sentence should not be released, but we believe the world has a right to know.
M.P.Press Agency 15/10/97 1230h

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NEWSFLASH -URGENT
Dateline: Near Leicester, England 10th October 1997

We have just received an urgent despatch from our deep cover source in a secret research institute near Leicester. The text -as in previous communications- is not always clear, there are meanings within meanings, however, we believe that the facts and statments given are true and should be released to the world at large.

MESSAGE BEGINS:

The latest word is that the extreme left and right are both calling for Arbuthnott's finger to be put in protective custody and for a close inspection of her key ring to be made.

A spokesman for the SWP (Socialist Worker Paranoics) said:" We beleive, that now
there is a Labour government, a secret right wing cabal is training Arbuthnott to push 'THE BUTTON' in a preemptive strike against our friends in the East"

A spokesman for the MCC (Mad Conservative Cows - a splinter group from the BSE) said "We believe, that now there is a Labour government, a secret left wing cabal is training Arbuthnott to push 'THE BUTTON' in a preemptive strike against our friends in the West".

As to the question of whether the finger is a quantum device one scientific reporter said " Well it definately has an unusual mixture of quarks: It goes 'up' and 'down' and definately has 'charm' and 'beauty'". It is suspected that the only quark the reporter had was "flattery".

MESSAGE ENDS

M.P.Press Agency 10/10/1997 1155h

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NEWSFLASH -URGENT
Dateline London, England 9th October 1997

The behaviour of the damaged digit of gallant paxmanette Catherine Arbuthnott has been arousing interest in the scientific comunity all around the world. We have had a communication from near Leicester couched in oblique terms, it is believed that it may represemt a code of some kind. The message is as follows:-

A B******* mole inside another government agency, who claim that their only digits are recorded inside computers said "My guess is the project is coded 'Yellow Pages' because they always say 'let your fingers do the walking' "

The significance of this message is being pondered.

Meanwhile from a secret laboratory in the third world, reports of the quantum mechanistic properties of the fractured finger were being subjected to computer simulation and modelling. A correspondant who would only be identified as 'an unofficial pseudo-scientific-third world source' said, "The problem is that nobody realized the finger's behaviour could ONLY be explained by quantum laws. Just look at the "unnamed worker"'s statements:

'It's been hell in there'..., 'I've never seen anything like it in twenty years...'" The 'unofficial pseudo-scientific-third world source' continued "It has been also recognized that the instrument(finger -Ed.) is showing more and more energetic behaviour:

'every hour and begging for more...'

and remembering the puzzling statements of 'a source close to the Prime Minister':

'but it could be said that we were working with our friends across 'the big pond' at Area 51...'."

The source concluded "With these clues in mind I only could think that the finger is a sort of highly efficient quantum device, probably a quantum harmonic oscillator that goes to a very excited state with few excitation. The

'role that is being talked of for the recovering finger...'

could be known just by Our Lord, Ms. Arbuthnott and a few people related to B*******'s highly classified projects, but I might anticipate that sudden relaxation could liberate huge amounts of energy and that this could be used to destroy almost anything."

The source then went on to give further details of the current thinking but we have decided that the world is not, as yet, ready for the full import of the sources speculations, and are not publishing these at this point.
M.P.Press Agency 09/10/97 1836h

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NEWSFLASH -URGENT
Dateline London, England 7th October 1997

Physiotherapists were working round the clock on the injured finger of gutsy paxmanette Catherine Arbuthnott in shifts to prepare the formidable instrument to take it's place in the pantheon of digits. 'It's been hell in there' an unnmamed worker said 'The finger is getting a full work out every hour and begging for more. I've never seen anything like it in twenty years as a plaster technician.' It is believed that the finger is now in a flexible support, rather than the plaster to which it was formerly confined and that this may be the reason for it's sudden energetic behaviour.

Rumours were spreading in Whitehall circles that a crack team of specialists is in training at a location near Hereford in case the digit becomes over-active. We understand from 'a source close to the Prime Minister' that a role is being talked of for the recovering finger, possibly undercover. 'We cannot comment at this juncture' the source continued 'but it could be said that we were working with our friends across 'the big pond' at Area 51, in fact in this matter we are so close as to be hand in glove with them' they finished. The source then demanded that the last sentiments should not be released, but we believe the world has a right to know.
M.P.Press Agency 07/10/1997 1915h

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NEWSFLASH -URGENT
Dateline London, England 3rd October 1997

'Finger recovering' plucky paxmanette Catherine Arbuthnott was told today on her visit to St. Thomas's Hospital. "The prognosis is favourable but care needs to be exercised, the finger will take time to heal fully." As a result, buzzer practice scheduled for next week is to be replaced by phyisiotherapy on the afflicted finger, in the hope that the well known interrupter will be up to her usual speed.

N.B.We have been told by 'a senior spokesperson for the security services' that 'no question of national security ever arose, and even if there had been, the facts would not have been released' When asked how this clarified the position, they replied 'it's as clear as day, any right-thinking Englishman would leave it at that and be glad that the country is now, once again, safe from alien invasion.' The spokesperson then demanded that the last sentence should not be released, but we believe the world has a right to know.
M.P.Press Agency 03/10/1997 1321h

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NEWSFLASH -URGENT
Dateline London, England 22nd September 1997

Catherine Arbuthnott, the sultry paxmanette of Birkbeck's victorious University Challenge team, was reported yesterday to have broken her famous 'buzzer' finger. 'The finger was found to have been fractured and twisted', a spokesperson for St. Thomas's Hospital said, 'so the fracture was reduced -the finger was returned to it's correct position- then splinted and wrapped.' It is common knowledge in the university community that the famous finger has been instrumental in many successes over the years, but our correspondant has learnt that only in the distant future -owing to reasons of national security- will the fingers role in the destiny of our nation be revealed to the wider public. Ms. Arbuthnott has not so far given a press conference, but a close friend said 'It is not her 'buzzer finger' that has been broken, but the little finger on her right hand. Good lord, if it had been the buzzer finger I don't know what would be the fate of England.' The friend then demanded that the last sentence should not be released, but we believe the world has a right to know.
M.P.Press Agency 22/09/97 1043h

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